Where's the Raid?

Campus Times
September 27, 2002

cartoon by Christian A. Lopez

They are invading. On tables, on the floor, in your mouth and in your bed, they are everywhere. They are so fast-moving that not even the quickest draw could assassinate these creepy crawlers. They are scavengers attacking every morsel of food in sight.

Ants, Ants, Ants. You heard it right, Ants.

They are the spawn of Satan. They multiply by the second, reproducing at such a rapid pace that not even a bunny farm could compete. You cannot sleep, eat or study without crossing paths with ants.

They are on the walls, taunting us with their speed. "Catch me if you can," they say. Haunting our dreams. Crawling on our arms through the night. Nesting in our hair, digging through our most personal extremities.

How do we fix it? No one knows. This campus has been officially taken over by these creatures, and it is time to put our collective foot down. We declare a state of emergency. Ants be gone. Remove yourselves from our campus. Let us return it to the ant-free environment we know and love.