The Bells' Toll on Rock 'n' Roll:
All we want for Christmas
Posted Dec. 8, 2006

“And you ask me what I want this year, and I try to make this kind and clear.”

 —John Rzeznik

With a few choruses of “Jingle Bell Rock,” sips of spiced eggnog and a deep-bellied “Ho-ho-ho” between licks of a classic peppermint cane, good ol’ Saint Nick will check his naughty and nice list twice before spreading yuletide cheer through holiday wishes fulfilled this season.

To aid Santie Dearest on his way, we have compiled an early list of our own; one complete with a sleigh full of musicians and stockings stuffed of good vibrations rather than toys.

This year, we are not asking for “empty love or designer things,” hula hoops, 10 golden rings, partridges in pear trees, or even new sets of front teeth.

All we want for Christmas are a few musical miracles.

Santie, please work some of your jolly, cherry-cheeked magic on the rock ‘n’ roll scene, making these Bells ring.

Satisfy our appetites for destruction.

May the urban myth album known as “Chinese Democracy” see twinkling multi-hued light in 2007.

If Axl spent as much time in the studio as he does getting his hair “did,” we would not have to make this hungry plea.

Nip the “sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll” cliché in the bud.

May singer-songwriters cease to credit their musical masterpieces to time spent smoking in the boys’ room.

Yes, John Mayer, we all know the muse behind “Continuum” was pot, your on-the-road pal, but don’t worry, we love you still.

And if there is enough room for a Harper in that sled, please pick up Ben, dropping him in La Verne.

It would truly be a miracle on Third Street.

No worries, we’ll drive him home, right after he pleases us like we want him to.

Let us shake our moneymakers again in August and every month after.

May all of our favorite crows, black and counting, release new material, touring the world for the low, low ticket price of $12.95 and banishing those pesky online fees.

Perhaps the Robinson pair could even reconnect under the mistletoe and Robert Plant could hand-deliver his new box set, stopping in for a little tea, Zeppelin talk and a few verses of “Tangerine.”

Keep the “Music is Life” slogan alive.

May Tower Records stay in business, learning its lesson and charging reasonable album prices.

Yield a motive to exchange “Ten” style high-fives.

May grunge return for another bout of head-bangin’ fun.

If Justin Timberlake can bring sexy back, then the holy bands of the 1990s could certainly lead a heavenly plaid revival.

And if possible, living a day without emo and forever with Arrow 93.1 would be the ultimate ear-saving gift.

Please Santie, when Uncle Joe played classic rock, it really rocked.

If only Jim Ladd and free form radio could overthrow Clear Channel and other conglomerates, banning play lists and making the airwaves listenable once again.

Start an unforgettable political fire.

May Bono kick Bush off the presidential chair, ruling the United States on a maxim of peace, love and rock ‘n’ roll.

His inaugural address would definitely be memorable.

If only Freddie Mercury could rise from his rock star slumber, leading Queen into musical ecstasy for one last night in honor of longtime fans and friends.

While we are at it, may John Bonham, Layne Staley, Jeff Buckley, the entire “forever 27” crew and all other gone-too-soon musicians chant hallelujahs in the church of rock ‘n’ roll once again.

Give us something to believe in.

May retro mosey out of the rock world, welcoming hair bands in from the cold and ensuring a glam resurgence.

Poison, armed with Aquanet and spandex o’plenty, could headline the way.

Hey, we’re sticklers for Bret Michaels and Sebastian Bach could use a better gig than “Gilmore Girls.”

If only Ryan Adams could prove to be the most prolific songwriter of all time and release another five albums, we would be very merry.

Ensure black magic rambles on.

May Led Zeppelin finally take its rightful place at the top of a “best album” count, beating the Beatles in the classic war of song.

Robert Plant would hammer Paul McCartney in a vocal contest any day – and that’s the way it ought to stay.

And if only “Rolling Stone” would return to its glory days, outlawing unworthy musical genres from its critical pages and saluting only those about to rock.

We promise not to cry or pout, to be good simply for the sake of goodness and to share these musical tidings, ensuring better days.

So Santie, “take these words and sing out loud:” may 2007 mark the year the rockin’ world begins again.

Or goes ‘round, shall Queen reunite.

Jessica Bell, a senior communications major, is web editor of the Campus Times. She can be reached by e-mail at ledjessilin@yahoo.com.

Kady Bell, a senior communications major, is arts editor of the Campus Times. She can be reached by e-mail at rzezna65@yahoo.com.

 

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