“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.”
I don’t claim to be the smartest person on earth, but sometimes I can’t help laughing out loud when learning of other people’s sheer, unbridled dopiness. Granted, I can be a bit cynical at times, especially when it comes to the overwhelming majority of humankind, but after reading stories like the ones I'm about to share with you, one almost feels compelled to contemplate how much longer our reign as this planet's dominant species will last.
A ZERO AMONG HEROES
Consider the case of 25 year-old Brian “The Brain” Sabinsky of upstate New York. Sabinsky enjoyed riding his snowmobile through his neighborhood in the middle of the night, though his neighbors were less than pleased with his antics.
That all changed on one February 2003 night when Sabinsky, gunning his unregistered and uninsured snowmobile down the street without a helmet and while drunk, rode his mechanical steed straight into a tree, leaving his colleagues from the firehouse to peel his splattered brains and the rest of his remains off the tree come morning. That’s right, kids, Sabinsky was a fireman.
Way to be a role model, Brian.
Elephants are considerably larger and stronger than humans, but Prawat, a 50-year-old gent from Thailand, didn’t seem to take that into consideration when he repeatedly showed a piece of sugar cane to an elephant tied up outside a Buddhist temple, yanking the tasty morsel away at the last second every time.
Not surprisingly, the pachyderm didn’t find Prawat’s game to be very much fun, and made his feelings known by finally thrusting one of his three foot long tusks through the inept prankster’s abdomen. Prawat expired on the way to the hospital, but he can rest easy knowing that his sacrifice made this world a better place…for elephants, anyway.
KISS KISS, BUMP BUMP
Last but far from least comes the story of 32 year-old Kim Fontana and 40 year-old Paul Cowley, both of Sheffield, England. According to several accounts, the rather inebriated lovebirds noticed a broken streetlamp as they exited the pub they spent the evening at and decided it would be the bee’s knees to, ahem, “get it on” in the resultant darkness.
There was just one slight problem: Their perfect love-making perch was in the middle of a street. Even after receiving warnings from three, yes THREE different passers by, the couple’s luck ran out when a bus driver, mistaking them for a large, semi-harmless pile of trash, realized what the twisting, writhing lump was just that little bit too late and proceeded to press the hormone and booze crazed nincompoops like a pair of trousers, of which Cowley’s were found around the ankles of his pancaked corpse.
In case you're wondering where I got these titillating tales of idiocy turned fatal, the answer is the one and only Darwin Awards. You can find these and countless other morbidly hilarious (and true) accounts of natural selection in action at www.darwinawards.com.
So the next time you lock your keys in the car or study the wrong chapter for a test, remember: At least you aren’t one of these poor schleps.
Tom Anderson, a junior journalism major, is news editor of the Campus Times. He can be reached by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.