La Verne Magazine
Spring 1999
"Defining Family"
Without Boundaries: Same-Sex Couples Redefine Family
by Stacie N. Galang
photography by Erica Paal
Juggling work, school and children, Laura Garland and Elaine Ahumada
have taken a step back from their relationship to redefine themselves individually.
Just moments from the end of the 20th century, nothing seems all that
shocking. The "Jerry Springer" mentality pervades the airwaves
and saturates everyday conversations.
Yet, interspersed between tabloid television and talk show frenzy, "theirs"
is a pretty normal existence -- in fact, self-admittedly mundane.
In a world not quite ready to accept their lifestyle, same-sex couples
are a burgeoning societal subculture.
They have created unique connections with their birth families and extended
circle of friends -- heterosexual and homosexual.
Three couples reflect on their experience as same-sex couples.
Case in point: Rudy La Brada, 33, a University of La Verne panelist
for the "What color is your rainbow?" program, a discussion panel
sponsored by the ULV Housing Department, and his partner Mike, 36, who asked
that his last name be withheld due to job retribution fears.
They are a typical upwardly-mobile young couple, almost too typical.
Together for six years, they have recently purchased their dream home,
a six-bedroom palatial house in a gated community with the obligatory pool,
spa and waterfall in the backyard. Their nuclear family consists of their
Yorkshire terrier Max and their two black cats.
Rudy wants children. Mike is a bit apprehensive about the idea.
Rudy, a charming Latin man, loves to talk. His phone and pager are never
out of hand's reach. When he speaks, he gestures along with the commentary.
Mike, more reticent, prefers to listen while Max sits comfortably in
his lap.
Rudy and Mike do not think of themselves as much of a novelty. "We're
like every other double income family without children," Rudy says.
"See, I don't think we're that unique, other than that we're two men
living together. We're blessed financially. We don't have to worry. We do
everything together."
Both help to run Rudy's real estate business. Although Mike is an elementary
school teacher, he still manages to contribute to the business. He calls
Rudy daily at lunch to check in and to get his list of business tasks.
Their daily regimen seems diametrically opposed. "I get up, and
Rudy stays in bed," Mike says. "My days are pretty routine; I
live by the bell. With Rudy's business, we never know what's happening from
day-to-day."
While Mike's days are pretty standard, Rudy's can be hectic."I
bring chaos into Michael's stable life," Rudy says. "I'm bouncing
off the walls, and Michael adds stability. I keep the hurricane; nothing
is ever calm when I'm around. Everyday is different," he adds extemporaneously.
Beyond their day-to-day existence, they enjoy traveling. Their genre
of choice: cruises. The convenience makes a cruise ideal. And Rudy can take
a much-needed departure from the phone.
As if their lives were not routine enough, they meet with Rudy's mom
every Wednesday. Rudy serves as secretary for Tuesday's Child, a non-profit
organization for children afflicted with or affected by AIDS. He is also
president of the homeowner's association. "It's important to give back
to the community," Mike adds.
For the future, they would like to formalize their relationship. Perhaps
children will enter the picture. Rudy would like to adopt a hard-to-place
child.
As a teacher, Mike says he realizes the impact parents play in a child's
life. He insists that if they adopt, one of them would have to stay home
with the child. Right now, he is not sure if he is prepared for that change.
"The sad thing is that Mike would be the better of the fathers,"
Rudy says. "Max likes Mike better."
The couple in transition: Elaine Ahumada 34, a doctorate student at
the University of La Verne, and her partner Laura Garland, 44, a master's
student at the University of La Verne. Partners for nearly six years, Elaine
and Laura have taken a step back from their relationship to redefine themselves
individually.
Like other couples, they struggle to coordinate their busy schedules.
"Basically, we came to a crossroad," Elaine says. "I'm busy.
Right now, I'm in the doctoral program. I practice karate 15 to 20 hours
a week. We haven't been able to spend time."
At the outset of the relationship, Elaine, a marketing director for
the Public Administration Department at the University, says it was really
romantic, but together they have had to backtrack a bit to develop more
of a friendship. Elaine and Laura dated for a time and eventually moved
in together. A year and a half ago, they decided to physically move apart.
Laura is finishing her master's degree this summer. She works as a school
teacher.
"Laura wanted to spend time with her kids," Elaine says. "That's
been the hardest thing. When you're busy, at least when you come home together,
you connect."
"As a family, life was stressful. I don't think we had any different
time than a heterosexual couple," Elaine says. "It's hard to raise
children; it's not always fun; it's just a reality,"she says.
Elaine speaks with an air of informality about her relationship. She
never really imagined herself with children. "When you love someone,
there are things that are not the ideal, but you just deal with it,"
she says.
This process of redefinition has taken them to a kind of a rocky stage
in their relationship. "We've had harder things to overcome,"
Elaine says. "We totally love each other. We're soul mates. We don't
want to have expectations." Although they are the best of friends,
they know they need growth.
Tension exists between Laura's children and Elaine. Laura has a 14-year-old
daughter and a 15-year old son who live with their father. "There's
a lot of different messages," Elaine says. "I didn't feel a sense
of family when we were living together."
Family takes on many meanings for Elaine. She says she feels fortunate
to have a blood family who is accepting, but she also has friends who are
not blood-related and who are a part of her family. "Well, I love family,"
Elaine says. "I think it's really important; it's a group of people,
but not necessarily your birth family. Laura's definitely a part of my family."
Marriage is more of a formality for this couple. In the beginning of
their relationship, they entertained the idea, but Elaine and Laura have
taken a different stance on the issue. To them, gay and lesbian marriages
focus more on civil rights.
"If I have a good job and pay my taxes, why shouldn't my partner
receive the same benefits [as straight couples]?" she asks.
The mature couple: James Dunne, 62, a professor of education at the
University of La Verne, and his partner Jack, a retired teacher and artist.
Introduced to each other at a dinner party by a friend, James and Jack
will celebrate 25 years together this summer.
It is a relationship James never imagined he would find. For a time,
he longed for a family with children and tried straight relationships. "I
stopped buying into society's version of what an awful person I was,"
he says. He describes himself in his youth as somewhat of a nerd. "I
thought I was the only gay person in the world."
James has come out to the University. "The essence of me is not
that I'm gay, but it's a part of me," he says. "If you don't know
I'm gay, you don't know me."
In his life, family has moved beyond the immediate blood ties. "Family
is to gay people, a wonderful collection of supportive friends who have
shared histories and shared interests," he says. Truly, it is the network
of extended family who are relied upon for holiday gatherings.
James says his relationships are not restricted solely to gays, and
he readily admits that most of his friends are straight. His closest friends
are all involved with art or some application of it. It is an enormously
important part of his and Jack's life.
As new residents to Portland, he and Jack try to keep up with the art
scene in the city, attending gallery openings, plays or operas as often
as possible. When they lived in the Los Angeles area, they always had season
tickets to the philharmonic.
A pensive man, he reflects on the gay experience. He is reminded of
the dearth of role models in his more formative years. "Oftentimes,
it seems in my generation we have a history of oppression," James says.
He says he would love that the state of marriage would exist for him but
realizes that, ultimately, it's a different lifestyle many are not ready
to accept. "We really want a place at the table, but we are gay,"
he says.
These three couples do not pretend to represent the rest of their subculture.
And those "Jerry Springer Show" guests who provide ample substance
for our conversations, are more aberrant. So what were you expecting?
Into the 21st century society slowly creeps. In the next millennium,
society will undoubtedly struggle to define normalcy -- whatever that means.
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